I'm so nervous. I'm so nervous, I'm shaking in my non-existent boots! I just got asked to come in for an interview! My local rink is currently looking for new recruits and I just got asked for an interview!!! I'm so excited and so happy! I just have to make sure I'm not getting my hopes up too high, because what if - just what if - I make the interview but don't get hired? I don't want to get my hopes up too high only to get disappointed afterwards. I still have to make a good impression at the interview.
Oh my god. What do I wear!? Is a skirt too much? I don't think I even have pretty, semi-formal shoes to work with a good outfit! I used to have flats that would work so well, but I threw them away ages ago and I don't have any other pair of suitable shoes! I need to go shopping!
I've been wanting to work at my rink since I first got into figure skating, back when I was 12 years old! I'm 19 now. I've been waiting basically six years now! I've even applied to the rink before when I was 14-15 years old. I didn't get accepted. I don't want to feel that disappointment again the way I did when I first submitted an application.
Oh, god. Please hire me.
Sometimes, I wonder if I'm skating because I love the sport, or if really, it's because I'm a really competitive and envious person and I'm just trying to be better than other people. I won't name them, but I find myself really bothered by it, especially considering the two-year long break I took from skating. Sometimes, I think to myself, just where would I be in my skating had I not taken such a long break?
All my skating friends and I took a break around the same time. After coming back to skating, I started feeling like, I had to surpass where my friends were, and land my damn axel. My closest skating friends both had theirs before their break. I was just starting on mine. Worst part is that one of them had their on-ice axel. Like, before the break, I already knew they had their off-ice axel. However, just a couple of weeks ago, they were telling me a story that happened to them and it mentioned them doing an axel....on the freaking ice. It hit me right in my pride and my envious, competitive nature. It pissed me off the rest of the day that I just started feeling discouraged to even practice that session anymore.
Meanwhile, only just this past weekend, my envy and competitiveness crippled again. I hate it, but I can't seem to get over my pride, and start acting like an immature, spoiled kid who didn't get what she wanted. I hate being taught by someone who isn't a qualified coach. Yeah, whatever, I get it. You're in a higher level than I am. But don't go teaching me things to fix an element that even you struggle to do. I don't want to go into too much detail. I chose not to say names for a reason and if I explain the story even more....
Anyways, again, my anger at the situation and at myself turned me off from practice. Yeah, again. My skating is so important to me. And I'm letting my attitude get in the way of being better than who I was the previous training session. I should be focusing on that instead of stupidly being a competitive idiot with the pride of a fucking loser.
Whatever. Over and out.
Mara Isabel Santos. 19 years old. Currently in Freeskate 4 working on Preliminary. :)